Why did Kevin Gates want to shoot himself? Rapper recalls 2020 near-suicide attempt during Club Shay Shay podcast

Rapper, songwriter, and entrepreneur Kevin Gates recently appeared on Shannon Sharpe’s Club Shay Shay podcast. He spoke about his drug addiction, mental health struggles, and the time he almost attempted suicide.

“Opioids, I was sipping lean. I was smoking weed… I was so depressed, I just needed something to cope. I didn’t want to live. I done shot myself in the head before. I got a bullet in my head. I didn’t want to live. I was f**ked up,” Gates, 39, shared on the January 28 episode.

As he explained four years ago on the Big Facts podcast, the rapper wanted to end his life in 2020 because he was battling depression. He mentioned feeling the constant pressure to be a “provider” for his family, adding that he was being “tolerated” at his home instead of being “celebrated.”

During his Club Shay Shay conversation, Kevin Gates claimed that all these negative thoughts entered his mind while he was holding his baby in his arms, and tears flowed down his face.

“I was about to push my sh*t out. I ain’t, nobody going to miss me anyway. That’s how I felt. And that wasn’t that long ago. That was what? 2020? Yeah, 2020! I’m holding my child, and I’m like, ‘Man, this is going to be the last time they see me.’ ‘Cause I don’t feel like it’s real when you go, ‘I’m about to go kill myself.’ Nah, you just supposed to go and do it,” Gates shared.

Kevin explained he had reached a point where he didn’t want “attention” or “bluff” or let anyone know how he was feeling. He simply didn’t want to live. The Islah artist shared that his mental health issues later encouraged him to “speak for men,” after he himself “suffered in silence.”

Exploring further Kevin Gates’ near-suicide attempt

Kevin Gates told Big Bank, DJ Scream, and Baby Jade during their Big Facts podcast in January 2022 that he wrote a suicide note in December 2020. However, a chance encounter with a fan changed his mind.

“December 10th through the 12th was the hardest for me this year. I disabled my Instagram… See, I don’t do the ‘Man, I’m ’bout to kill myself!’ I don’t want no attention. I was going the way of the samurai. Just smash myself because I was to the point I ain’t wanna live no more,” he explained.

Gates continued:

“I had a raw letter that I wrote about everything. I was just saying, I don’t regret nobody I ever stepped on; if I did, your momma ain’t raise you right. I wrote about how I’ve been in love before and had my heart broken. How the first woman to ever break my heart was my mother, and the only woman to ever love me was my grandmother.”

Explaining what made him suicidal, Kevin said:

“As men, when you're a provider, and you're not feeling like you're being celebrated in the proper manner, you feel like you're only being tolerated… when I was in the streets, I used to hate going home because I felt like I wasn’t welcome there. Y’all act like I’m just doing what I’m supposed to be doing.”

The father of four shared that men are “so busy being tough” and “harboring all these resentments, emotions, and the sh*t we deal with,” that the pressure consumes them and often pushes them to “quit.”

The Baton Rouge rapper said that on the day he decided to end his life, he went to Cabo and did his part as a father and hosted a party for his daughter, Islah, as his way to honor the “last time seeing her.” Subsequently, he went for his final workout, which proved to be life-changing.

Kevin Gates mentioned being approached by a “white boy... kinda big,” who was a frequent member at the gym.

“He said, ‘Can I approach you?’ … He’s like, ‘Man, your music, the only thing that makes this crazy world make sense.’ I was like, ‘Man, the world’s a cruel place. Trust me, I know,’” Gates recalled his conversation with the fan.

The By Any Means rapper told the boy how he was planning to kill himself. However, he talked Gates down.

“He cried, and he grabbed me, and he said, ‘If you do that, so many people gonna take their own life ’cause you all we got.’ This shows you how God work through people. I said, ‘You know what? I guess I’ll stick around a while.’ I’m still just playing, I do my little proper voice when I’m being sarcastic,” Kevin noted.

The artist said he told himself to “give it three days” before making any more decisions. What finally helped him cope was deactivating his social media, stopping comparisons to others, and reconnecting with himself in Puerto Rico.

Kevin Gates told the Big Facts hosts:

“When I disconnected my Instagram and stopped making comparisons to my life and other people’s highlight film, and just started living for me and really appreciating the good things about myself, and love what you have and have all that you need, and really engaging with myself and the world—that’s what really shook me all the way. If I only help one person with my story, with everything I’ve been through, then I’ve served my purpose.”

Appearing on Big Boy TV in March 2023, Kevin Gates revisited his struggles with mental health and suicidal thoughts. He shared that anybody going to the gym 3-4 times a day is “crying for help,” as something is not “right with him,” just like it wasn’t with him.

The rapper shared that men often went to the gym to “kill/ hurt” themselves to stop them from hurting others. He mentioned men coming up to him in the gym and breaking down as he “feels” their pain.

Kevin Gates explained the way to avoid suffering in silence is to “love” everything you have, not what you need/want.

“When you aren’t happy, just call,” he urged fellow men to reach out to one another.

In November 2023, Kevin Gates appeared on the Mental Game podcast and told Brandon Saho that he spoke about his mental health battle and suicidal thoughts because “more people needed to hear it.” He said men often stay silent as they think venting makes them look vulnerable, which can later be used against them.

“I just want the world to know this is a safe place. I go through everything everybody else goes through. And we don’t judge here. It takes more courage to be vulnerable than it does to be a tough guy, guarded and shielded,” Kevin Gates noted.

The rapper said that his primary purpose in life now is to “help” people, especially men, and allow them to hug, cry, and feel safe. Kevin Gates recalled his gym encounter with the fan who helped him get away from a “super dark place” and take one more chance with life, adding, “It’s crazy how God works through people.”

Gates said the incident offered him a new perspective on life, as he realized his social responsibility and embarked on the journey of healing and recovery. He said he was “grateful” to have changed his “black sheep” image and to finally be understood by people. Being “transparent” made him “more relatable,” Kevin added.

In the recent interview, Kevin Gates told Shannon Sharpe that he thought his children were “young” and would “get over me” if he were no more. However, in 2020, he wasn’t on drugs. He was doing music, working out, making money, and being a provider. He was “living” but not feeling “alive.”

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But he has since reconnected with himself and rebuilt his life. Now, he goes to the recording studio with his wife, which he compared to “couples counselling,” adding his spouse is grateful he didn’t give up on them.

It is noteworthy that in mid-2025, Kevin Gates divorced his longtime partner, Dreka Haynes, with whom he shares two kids. The marriage seemingly ended when he married influencer Brittany Renner in April last year. Gates’ two other children are from past relationships.

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