Diabolical and Ditzy Daughters and the Mothers Who Love Them: General Hospital Two Scoops For April 13th

General Hospital's Josslyn and Willow nearly gave their mother coronaries this week, but for very different reasons. One is a junior super spy who is in way, way, way over her head and the other is a head case who needs a good, long stint at Ferncliff and not an office on Capitol Hill. (Has she even been there yet? We know the House doesn't actually do much work and is forever on recess, but the speaker had to swear her in at some point, right?)

At least these girls have their mothers by their side to protect them, and we can even see them teaming up to do it. The Granny Wars can turn into The Mommy Truce, with Valentin in the middle, of course. Cause why not? And that is where this week's story begins, so let's dig in with those two scoops and unpack the Port Charles week that was.

Your daughter wants to send you to jail, Nina

Willow did what she delusionally thought she had to do | Image: ABC

You'd think that maybe, just maybe, Nina might have had that eye-opening moment this week that her precious little pearl, Willow, is not playing with a full deck. Well, she did, but she is going to enable that dingbat anyway because that is what Nina does.

What we want to know is what happened to the Nina who read Willow for the filth she is last summer. That Nina had finally seen the light and wasn't going to take this girl's abuse anymore. All Nina has taken is abuse from Willow from the time she learned that she was her mother and all Nina has done is try to win the heart of an ungrateful brat who uses her and abuses her left and right.

This time, Willow's abuse is diabolical. She set Nina up for a fall and Nina fell for it — hook, line, and syringe sinker. The look on Nina's face when she realized what Willow had done by having her administer Drew's meds reeked of shock and horror, but what did Nina turn around and do? Well, she told Willow that she was always on her side and would still do anything for her.

Okay, Nina, let's have a little chat. Your daughter just told you she shot a man in the back twice, then injected him with a paralytic drug that would mimic a stroke to keep him locked in as an invalid, before making sure to get your prints all over the syringe as blackmail material. And you just smile, nod, and assure her that everything would be all right? No, that is right out of the Bad Mommy playbook. The Good Mommy playbook would have you calling Kevin Collins in Ireland and asking him to book a quick flight back to evaluate your daughter and then have her committed to Ferncliff. Or Shadybrooke. Or even that mental hospital in France where Anna's been hanging out. Anywhere but the Dawn of Drew house, which is actually a house of horrors and has been for years.

A word about Willow

Do not let children around Willow | Image: ABC

We are still trying to figure out where Willow came up with this weird idea to get leverage on Nina while having one of her Drew Diary moments. Yes, Willow has nobody she can really talk to, so she talks to Drew, who clearly can't talk back. After Drew did nothing but talk over Willow for a year, this is nice payback, but why did Nina have to become a victim?

Where would Willow even come up with the twisted idea to get Nina's fingerprints on the syringe so she'd have no choice but to betray Charlotte, so that Jack wouldn't unearth that traffic cam footage from the night she shot Drew? We'll give her credit for creativity, but did it ever occur to her that Charlotte would never betray her dad? Yes, we know that Valentin decided to solve the problem, but Willow didn't know he would when she decided to do something so unbelievably horrific to her own mother.

But Willow did it for the children, you see, specifically her children. The two kids she bounced around from home to home last year after having sex with their father's uncle on the playroom floor. Alexis said that every time she has to drop off or pick up Scout she feels something is not right in that crazy house. A crazy house where children should never, ever be. Especially Willow's.

Josslyn, find a new job, PLEASE

Josslyn is about as subtle as a nuclear bomb | Image: ABC

And then we have Josslyn. A girl who started her college career as a pre-med major, switched to environmental science, before settling on junior undercover super spy for an international crime (fighting?) agency. Jack thought she was perfect for the job. After all, who would ever suspect a ditzy blonde college co-ed was really a spy? What he didn't count on was her ditzy blonde college co-ed act being so obviously an act. And that's the problem.

When Josslyn starts asking questions, she is anything but subtle. All Dante could do was hide an eyeroll and a smirk last week when she started casually questioning Emma about Anna. He knows exactly what she was up to because he knows she is a WSB agent, but Josslyn doesn't know he knows, so he had to keep his laughter to himself.

Josslyn completely caught Cassius off-guard when she approached him at the gym, not even knowing he was not Nathan. By the end of their exchange, Cassius knew something was up, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it. However, anyone with half a brain could tell she was fishing for info and not because she is just a naturally curious girl. We think Jack might have overshot with this recruit because this is just not working. For him. And for us. (And who wants to bet Cullum knows exactly who Avenger Barbie really is?)

Carly's Kitchen

Josslyn is about to get everyone in trouble | Image: ABC

Carly's kitchen is the place to be and it still has a nice bowl of moss on the kitchen island. In Carly's kitchen, you can fix sinks with one WSB boyfriend and enjoy some coq a vin and wine with the other. You can also argue with your belligerent daughter, which is what Carly did this week.

Not only is Josslyn a really bad spy, but she is also currently a pretty bad daughter. She talks to her mother like she is the parent — and not a very nice parent at that. When she told Carly she would just go around her physically to get to Valentin, Carly rightfully asked her if she planned to assault her own mother for her junior super spy duties.

At least Carly had a better time with Lucas when he came over for dinner and opened her Amazon package looking for a garlic press. And what did he find? Men's shaving supplies. Hmmm...could they have been for Jack Brennan? Well, it would have been super easy for Carly to let Lucas go on believing that, but Carly was busting at the seams to tell someone about her attic boyfriend, so she told Lucas.

Well, she didn't tell him that she's had an international fugitive living in her attic since December, but she did mention she had found a much better alternative to Jack. And she gushed. Oh, did she ever gush. Lucas was ready to plan the wedding and he didn't even know who this man is. We can give him a hint. He used to live where Lucas is now living with the ex-wife he visited on Friday.

Valentin Cassadine enters the chat

Valentin greeted Nina like a thief in the night | Image: ABC

Josslyn dropped by to see Valentin, and then Valentin dropped by to see Nina. He even let himself in and helped himself to a drink, as Valentin is wont to do. And Valentin has a plan that will help Carly and help Nina, because valiant Valentin is always trying to help the women in his life. We're sure this plan will eventually help Anna, too.

While we are soap fan-obsessed with our Caradine at the moment, there is always room for Valentina and Vanna in our hearts. That's how suave Carly's attic boyfriend is. Sure, Valentin comes with trouble, as well as polonium poisoning, but when he loves you, there's nobody better.

So, with Valentin enlisting Nina's help, while also helping Nina, Willow's problems might be solved. Since Jack will walk right into a trap, Carly's problems might be solved, too, as well as Josslyn's. Too bad Josslyn doesn't think she has any problems.

Why does Cassius hate Lucas?

Cassius threw innocent Lucas under the bus | Image: ABC

So, Lucas and Britt pretty much know that Cullum killed Marco. And Britt told Cassius that Cullum killed Marco. But for some odd reason, Cassius wants Sidwell to think that Lucas killed Marco, which does not bode very well for Lucas (and also makes very little sense).

Sidwell didn't even want to entertain the notion at first, but Cassius planted the seed in his head and that seed is growing. We know Lucas' bright idea to remain at Wyndemere was a super bad move. Lucas thinks that Jenz just loves him because he was Marco's love, but Lucas is going to be in for a rude awakening super quick. Cringe.

General Hospital Granny to the rescue

Brook Lynn confessed her troubles to Tracy | Image: ABC

Sometimes it's not a good idea to listen to your grandmother. Brook Lynn is sure she was in the car Jordan swerved to get away from before her crash. Because she was drinking (but not drunk), a horrified Tracy has decided they are going to cover it up. Yeah, no. Real bad move, Brook Lynn (and Tracy). First, the cover-up is always, always worse than the crime. And second, we don't think that was Jordan's car that Brook Lynn encountered. We think it was Danny and Charlotte's, which means that Brook Lynn will eventually confess to something she didn't do, she'll lose baby Phoebe, Chase will lose his mind, and that wench Willow will want to ease his mind. We know it's coming because that is who our Willow is. Sigh.

Teenage nightmares

Dante tried to cheer up Danny and Rocco | Image: ABC

Speaking of Danny, he is having a pretty rough time of it and even wants to join the mob. Yes, the boy is going to give Alexis a stroke, especially if he keeps finding ball gags in the basement.

But Rocco is having a mich rougher time of it than Danny, nobody except Jason, Cassius, and Lulu know why. We don't even want to be there (or at least watch, we won't actually be there) when Danny learns that his dad went to international prison to cover for his brother and his brother let him do it. Be still our broken hearts (before it even happens).

Laura and...Ezra?

Are Ezra and Laura the new dream team? | Image: ABC

While we don't quite think Laura and Ezra will hit Carly and Valentin levels of "fun," we do think this is a team we never knew we wanted till we got it. What a delightful surprise to witness the chemistry between soap vet Daniel Cosgrove and the QUEEN herself, Genie Francis. And Laura being nice to Ezra? That was a delightful surprise for Ezra.