Love in the Afternoon...But You Just Can't See It: General Hospital Two Scoops For the Week of March 16th

General Hospital has love stories galore, but love scenes are a whole other situation. Yes, we get them sometimes, but some pretty major pairings have had sex lately...while leaving us wondering if...they had sex. That is not how this is supposed to work because GH is a soap opera and soap operas work a certain way.

Sex is just a part of the genre and has been...for a VERY long time. If these kids today could see what this writer's kid self saw on soaps in the 1970s and 1980s, they'd be shocked, because sometimes our soap delivers and sometimes...invisible sex is all we get. And that is where we begin...so maybe Olivia should avert her eyes.

Olivia gets the vapors

Ned and Olivia are now the sex police | Image: ABC

Port Charles sex started out great this week when Michael and Jacinda found themselves enjoying a little alone time in front of a roaring fire in the Q gatehouse. After a brief little tasteful love scene, a naked Jacinda commented to a naked Michael that she didn't think people really did have sex on bear skin rugs in front of a fire. (Do they? Since this was on a soap, we are still not sure, but Jacinda doesn't know she is on a soap.) So, yay! A love scene!

Too bad Olivia can't handle the idea of two people having sex at this point in her life. She walked in on a naked Jacinda and Michael and looked as if she was going to have a more serious heart attack than the one her husband had last fall. The entire ordeal was so horrifying for her that she had to blow up Tracy's phone on Thursday to call and call a family meeting to discuss this awful sex situation. How dare anyone do such a thing on the virginal Q estate!

Yes, we know that Olivia was more concerned about the possibility of Leo or another Q kid walking in on them, but why doesn't Olivia just keep an eye on her kid better rather than tell consenting adults they can't have sex late at night? Why would Leo be wandering the grounds that late? And why was his retainer at the gatehouse anyway? Also, if children learn by watching, why can't Olivia learn to knock so that Leo can learn the same? So, many questions, but at least Olivia got her meeting...

And thank you, Michael, for acknowledging that sex is normal and even teenage boys think about it. He also made note of his ex-wife's and uncle's playroom sex, which was not long after his parents pretended to have sex in Tracy's bedroom. So, Olivia, take a chill pill, because it's not all bad at Casa Tracy. Some people even choose cops over prostitutes (not that there's anything wrong with that)...

The couple upstairs

Brook Lynn always has very nice pajamas | Image: ABC

Olivia must be relieved that things are tame in the main house because her step-daughter doesn't dare get naked in her own bedroom. There might be a fireplace in there, but we highly doubt that Chase and Brook Lynn do anything on a bear skin rug in front of it. In fact, Chase and Brook Lynn, a couple that has been married for nearly two years, have never had a proper love scene.

While we understand and respect that sometimes the actors have boundaries, we don't even get fade-to-black bedroom kisses from Chase and Brook Lynn. In the beginning, we could assume something was going on because Olivia walked in on Chase sprawled out on the bed unclothed, waiting for Brook Lynn (that vapors case was epic), so we just have to assume he still does that...maybe? Sometimes? Maybe one day we'll find out.

Breakfast in... the living room

Lulu with her off-screen sex afterglow | Image: ABC

So, Nathan and Lulu have shared two kisses and one date at the local pizza arcade with James tagging along, but they had sex. We think. Yep, the insta romance between Maxie's husband and Maxie's BFF that she reluctantly sanctioned after a six-month coma has been consummated — off-screen.

Heck, we didn't even get a kiss, much less a fade-to-black kiss. Instead, we got a kiss on the cheek, Nathan leaving, and Lulu running back to the door to find Nathan still there. We expected one of those soapy/rom-com quick kisses that would leave Lulu wanting more after Nathan walked away. Instead, big He-Man Nathan swept Lulu off her feet (literally), carried her upstairs, and served her pancakes the next morning while they sat on the sofa fully clothed. Hmmm...

Really? THIS was what we got for Lathan. While we are decidedly not a fan, this pairing does have people rooting for them and they deserve something aside from pancakes on ottomans. A kiss would have been better than Lulu in her pajamas the morning after. Something. Anything. But nope. Nothin'.

Carson's and Jason's off-screen and on-screen sex

At least Carly is enjoying the prime of her life | Image: ABC

Well, both Carly and Sonny have had some nice times over the last few weeks, but Sonny's nice time was left to the imagination. All we know is that he gave Justine a tepid kiss in the middle of an empty Charlie's and the next day, Justine was fully dressed and looking for her earring in a bed we'd never seen before. Then, Sonny entered the room we'd never seen before with some wine. It turns out there's a room above Charlie's for some nookie and Justine and Sonny enjoyed some nookie time. We just had to guess what happened.

At least Sonny is not alone. The true love of his life, Jason, also had off-screen sex back in January when he rescued Britt from a boat during a blizzard. He took a shivering Britt in his arms to keep her warm and 20 minutes later, Britt was naked in the bed with only a blanket and Jason was fully clothed in a chair. And social media spent the next 24 hours trying to figure out if they had sex or not. The consensus is that they did, but if you have to debate whether sex happened on a soap, the soap is doing it wrong.

But hey, their girl Carly is plenty busy and her sex is much less chaste than Jason and Sonny's. During the blizzard, Carly had reluctant sex on her couch, with our boyfriend Valentin dreaming of her (we assume) in her attic. But two weeks ago, Valentin didn't have to dream anymore. Carly grabbed him and kissed him. So, Valentin grabbed and kissed back. And then they took it to the bedroom, where Valentin clearly made the Earth move under Carly's bed...or feet...or something. Two weeks later, they can't stop thinking about it, and neither can we.

Speaking of Jason...

"Darn it, Danny's basketball game is about to start," Jason Morgan, probably | Image: ABC

So, Jason and Britt have been having sex when the cameras aren't rolling. Good for them. But when the cameras have been rolling, they've also been pretty darn busy. This week, Marco managed to get his hands on Britt's meds, handed them to Lucas, who then handed them to Britt. She's now waiting for Jason, but she has no idea that Rocco is also lurking and that Jason is about to go to jail. Whoops!

And Jason, um, what the heck happened? He had Cullum in clear sight with the crosshairs trained on him, but did he decide to take out Jack instead? For about 10 seconds, he had his gun trained on Jack, but stopped himself from pulling the trigger. He must really hate the guy who thinks he's Carly's boyfriend. (Joke's on Jack.) When Jason decided to focus on Cullum again, that darn Jack kept getting in the way.

And then, would you look at the time? Hit man had to jump into dad mode and get to his kid's basketball game, only to be arrested by Dante, the WSB or Cullum. We are not quite sure what's going on, but we do know one thing...

Bye-Bye Marco?

The anvils were everywhere and dropping all over Lucas and Marco every time Marco assured Lucas that his dad would make sure nothing happened to him. That is how we knew something was absolutely going to happen to Marco. While it's still possible he manages to talk himself out of his mess with a knife-wielding Cullum, we are pretty sure we know what gruesome discovery Alexis makes next week. It was nice knowing you, Marco. Thanks for trying to save Britt.

General Hospital odds and ends

Elizabeth and Ric are on again | Image: ABC

Elizabeth has decided to give it another go with Ric, which is every dream Ric has ever had come true. He even tried to be...GASP!!!!...honest with Elizabeth, but she didn't want to hear it. That's too bad because we were kinda disappointed. We'd been waiting months to see Elizabeth's reaction to learning that Alexis, Ava, and Kristina kept Ric chained to a gurney in Alexis's basement with a ball gag in his mouth for a month. With Rebecca Herbst giving us the best facial expressions on soaps for nearly three decades, we are crushed that we were deprived of that moment. Hopefully, the moment isn't lost forever.

Molly and Cody remain adorable. (And come to think of it, they also have off-screen sex...hmmm...) James remains super adorable. Emma and Gio? Cute as can be. But Joss? Nope. Not cute at all. Just rude and crude and speaking to her elders with no respect, as always. Sonny just dropped by to say hi and wasn't expecting her to mouth off, but that's our Joss. She also needs to stop going in and out of windows via a fire escape like she's on an episode of Welcome Back, Kotter. This is Port Charles, not Brooklyn. Will Joss put her super spy super skills to work next week and bust this Sidwell-Cullum case wide open? Probably not, cause that's our Joss.