Row, Row, Row Your (Snow) Boat in the Port Charles Blizzard: General Hospital Two Scoops For the Week of January 26th

Did you know it snowed on General Hospital and in Port Charles this week? And that lots of people got stuck with people they either did or did not want to be with? Oh, and there were way too many people on boats in the middle of this blizzard, which left us confounded and confused. It also left evil WSB director Collum confounded and confused when he found a sailor in his midst as he was just trying to settle in with a charcuterie board and some wine. So, let's dig in with two shovels instead of Two Scoops and get to the bottom of all this boating.

The mystery of Wyndemere

Josslyn claims she had a keg on her imaginary boat | Image: ABC

Before the first flake fell, we noticed something strange in the distance as Josslyn peered into her super spy binoculars. Wyndemere became a Wyndham. Or something. While eagle-eyed fans realized that Wyndemere is now the Maritime Museum in Amsterdam, it really looks like a chain hotel you'd spot off the interstate. Gone is our creepy castle with a parapet to fall off (or be tossed off). It's been replaced by...something else...but you still have to take a boat to get there.

And that has always left us scratching our heads. Who owns and runs the launch? With a boat and its pilot going back and forth all day long, you'd think the pilot would alert whoever owns Wyndemere on a given day that visitors are arriving. Do Wyndemere residents not hear the boat arrive? Everyone is so surprised when there is a knock on the door. The Wyndemere boat situation has never made sense and it makes even less sense this week.

But anyway, Josslyn somehow managed to get hold of explosives and cut the power at Wyndemere before taking her own boat to Spoon Island. In a blizzard. And then her story was...no words, but we'll find some. Where do we even start? Well, we'll guess we'll start here:

Josslyn Jacks, a girl who should absolutely not be a WSB agent, notices the evil WSB director in Wyndemere as she is lurking about. Rather than running as fast as she could, she puts on the ditzy blonde college girl act that nobody with half a brain would fall for and introduces herself to the bad guy. And then she tells a story so unbelievably ridiculous that it made our heads spin. Yep, Josslyn was just out there on a boat in the middle of a blizzard with a keg heading to a college rager on that other island with a big mansion. (There's ANOTHER island right off Port Charles with a big mansion? Who knew?) But the weather started getting rough, and her tiny ship was tossed, so she stopped in to see Uncle Lucas in the castle. We'll just assume she left the imaginary keg on the boat. Although we know her story was quite a tall tale, we can't help but picture Josslyn on a boat with a keg in the middle of the river during a blizzard.

So, did Jason and boating Britt have blink-and-you-miss-it sex?

What really happened between Jason and Britt? | Image: ABC

Oh, so Britt? She was also on a boat in the middle of the river during a blizzard, but sans the imaginary keg. We had no idea you could rent boats on Spoon Island, but apparently, that's a thing. However, we didn't see Britt out on her little boat. All we saw was Jason carry a frigid Britt into a cabin out of nowhere and we were sure some scenes had to be cut cause...yeah...hmmm...

We were told that Britt rented a boat, but then the winds picked up and the snow got too heavy and she thought for sure she was going to die. Lucky for her, Jason was also out on the river in a snowstorm with a boat, cause he needed to be trendy, we guess. Jason didn't explain how he knew Britt was on the river in a blizzard on a boat, so we can just assume whoever Sonny had tailing her told him. But since there were clearly some cut scenes here, we've had to fill in the blanks.

We also think they had sex on Thursday, but we can't be sure. Jason held Britt to keep her warm. After the commercial break, Britt was naked in bed, wrapped in a blanket, but Jason was still fully clothed, sitting in a chair. Britt smiled at Jason and told him that was one way to cure hypothermia, before saying she didn't just do that just because he saved her life. Was "that" sex? We don't know. On Friday, they had musical montage sex, so we know Jason and celibacy finally parted ways after two years.

Kissing cousins (Cringe?)

Danny and Charlotte are cousins | Image: ABC

Jason's son also had an enjoyable evening, but at least he didn't have to rescue anyone from a boat in the river during a blizzard. Danny only had to trek through the Quartermaine grounds in a blizzard with Charlotte, but didn't get far and ended up at the gatehouse for some s'mores — and some snogging — with his COUSIN.

Yep, the interwebz is going wild over soaps' latest pair of kissing cousins. We have done this before, but we don't think we have seen this with two teenagers. We also knew it was coming because Danny and Charlotte have been looking at one another "that way" for a while now. With the only other teenage boy on the show being Charlotte's brother, GH must have thought that pairing her with her cousin might be less offensive. Nope. It's not. It's just wrong.

Now, what would be right is Charlotte being paired with the first boy who loved her, Danny's half-brother, Jake. But Jake is inexplicably off the canvas in art school. That doesn't mean that GH can't bring him back any time, right? That way, Charlotte doesn't have to date her cousin. And yes, we know they are second cousins once removed and the actors have chemistry, but they are still related and that's enough for us to shake our heads no. Just no.

Oh no, we love Varly!

Valentin and Carly are just lovely together | Image: ABC

We didn't want to love Varly because we still love Vanna, but oh, do we love Varly. What do we do now? Laura Wright and James Patrick Stuart just ooze chemistry and we don't know how on Earth this happened! We have been clamoring for Valentin to finally find his darling Anna in the bowels of Wyndemere, but that would mean he'd have to leave Carly's house and we don't want him to leave Carly's house.

Sonny now lives in Valentin's house, so maybe Valentin could just move into Carly's house permanently when he finally manages to clear his name. We just can't get enough of them. But what do we do about our beloved Anna? She hasn't had a love interest since Valentin went on the run. Anna deserves love. We'd also say she deserves to have her Valentin back, but Carly. Honestly, this is the best situation because it's an embarrassment of chemistry riches. (Did General Hospital even know what it was doing when it decided to turn Carly into Valentin's unlikely hero and partner in crime? We need to know.)

Lulu, pssst, that ain't Nathan...

Is Lulu kissing the wrong guy? | Image: ABC

Nathan and Lulu also ooze chemistry, but there is one very good reason we cannot get behind them and it has nothing at all to do with Maxie. We still are not sure this guy is Nathan.

Whoever this man is dropped a pretty large clue that he wasn't Nathan when he started reciting the periodic table and mentioned that his father had made sure he learned it. With Faison's obsession with science and knowing that Faison didn't raise Nathan, but did raise his other son, we have a sinking feeling that we know exactly who Nathan is. And we want to scream.

Tracy just wants her stuff

Tracy never expected to find Marty at Drew's house | Image: ABC

Happily, the blizzard also resulted in another episode of The Tracy and Marty Comedy Hour, featuring HEART. No, not the 1980s band, but the scenes had heart, something we don't usually see from this eternally bickering pair. There were also multiple laugh-out-loud moments, especially when Tracy announced that the only being Lucy had ever loved was a duck named Sigmund. While Lucy's love for Sigmund was indeed fierce, we know she's loved others in her time, including Marty. And Marty loved Lucy. (Remember when he thought she was dead? Oh, how mourned.) But Tracy destroyed that romance, making a mortal enemy of Marty. (Having him jailed for not paying back alimony didn't help, we're sure.)

Does this mean that Tracy and Marty are frenemies now instead of enemies? Heck, we even thought there was a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty possibility they were the potential couple that was set to share their first kiss. But that was Danny and Charlotte AND Nathan and Lulu. Yes, we got two couples sharing their first kiss, but we couldn't get that number to three with Marty and Tracy (or even Carly and Valentin).

General Hospital snowstorm odds and ends

Cody and Molly had their first fight | Image: ABC

Cowboy Cody doesn't like being Cowboy Casey. Uh-oh. That means that Molly and Cody are having their first fight after only being a couple for a month. And while we kinda-sorta get why Cody isn't happy, he really is blowing this whole thing out of proportion. READ THE BOOK, CODY

Oh, and Portia, you cheated. That is what you did. You were married and had sex with another man. That wasn't a symptom of what was wrong with your marriage. That was a choice and a very conscious one. We have grown to love hot mess Portia, but we had to address that one remark. Cheating is a choice made by the person who cheats and nobody else. Glad we could clear that up.