Do you think I'm a nasty girl?: Beyond the Gates Two Scoops for the week of January 26, 2026

Witness the dynamic duo of Beyond the Gates

Are y'all ready to go Beyond the Gates? This past week, Naomi nearly gave herself away, Anita was the hair apparent to her next chemo side effect, and Derek got his fire put out. On the other side of the DMV, Leslie went on a panty raid, Bill took a blood oath, and Nicole decided that two were better than one! Let's fill up those Two Scoops and find out what happened inside and outside the gates of Fairmont Crest!

PRODUCT PLACEMENT PLACARD:

FEBREZE: 1

If you ain't scared take it out

Naomi saw a genetics counselor and surreptitiously asked Shanice to recommend specialists – ya know, in case Dani, the only other one in the family to carry the BRCA gene mutation, needed help with a cancer preventing game plan. Ashley comforted her bestie, but also pointed out that demanding she keep Naomi's secret was on par with Derek making Jacob zip his lip about his not paralysis. And how pissed off was Naomi about that!

Ash went further, sensing that Naomi's party line about not wanting to distract Jacob while he was involved in an undercover operation at work was only part of the story. Nurse Morgan is such a better character outside of her love life! Naomi confessed that there was still the whole baby debate to consider – she and Jacob weren't talking about it, but him wanting children while she didn't was still hanging in the air between them.

I'm glad that's still in play – it wouldn't have been realistic for the Hawthornes to resolve something that big that fast – but I'm surprised Naomi didn't rush to Jacob the second she tested positive for BRCA. Risking passing on the gene abnormality? Sorry, Jacob, I won't ever put a kid of mine through that! Boom – Naomi has her excuse and Jacob either has to accept it or not. Weird she didn't play that card.

Guess she doesn't have the greatest poker face anyway, because, while at Orphey Gene's with Jacob, she slipped that she was going to conduct research into cancer prevention. Jacob was like, the hell? Since Naomi was negative and everything. Naomi couldn't get out of there fast enough when Elon showed up. But Jacob forgot whatever discrepancies Naomi had spouted when his dad was ready to harsh his mellow.

Elon had come across some info that Jacob hadn't so far with his investigation into the illegal blood plasma ring – and used that as an excuse to try and pull Jacob off the case. Of course we know that Papa H's real reason was because of the warning Joey had given him about “The Impaler,” but Jacob didn't know that and pushed to keep going, as he was only just barely beginning to infiltrate the syndicate.

I loved it when Marcel showed up and Jacob asked him, “Deposit any payoffs today?” Remember, that's a reference to one of their first scenes together, when Jacob saw Marcel taking money from Joey. Once Jacob was gone, Elon asked Marcel to keep his ears open about The Impaling One, and Marcel agreed. Anything to get him into retirement and onto his beloved boat Sheila that much sooner.

Did Smitty read those Encyclopedia Brown books as a kid like I did? Because he sure likes to solve mysteries outside of being a reporter. Granted, there's a definite overlap between journalism and detective work, but Smits apparently had his magnifying glass out – and all night. Good thing Martin knows he doesn't have to worry about Smitty cheating on him.

But it sounds like Smitty might want to get better at playing Clue. He was all excited to tell Jacob what he'd overheard the detective's contacts talking about privately, but Jacob was upset that Smitty had ventured out of the car and put himself at risk by eavesdropping. Smitty could have blown Jacob's cover! Mr. Smith's expression was giving, “Hadn't thought about that.” Too bad we can't actually see these two on the streets doing their thing! We have to hear about it all in exposition.

I don't like this groove

The Articulettes certainly must have had their share of fainting fans during their heyday, but I'm sure Anita didn't think she'd be doing the fainting herself. She was telling Vernon how Sharon had serenaded her during her second chemo appointment when suddenly she collapsed onto the couch. Vernon was freakin'. He thought he'd become a widower right there on the spot!

Thankfully Anita came to, but she did that “I'm fine” thing that it seems so many older people do. Vernon wasn't havin' it and jumped on his phone even after Anita demanded that he not call for an ambulance. But it wasn't paramedics who rang that jaunty Dupree doorbell that I simply must have for my own. It was Ted! He determined that the chemo had adversely dehydrated Anita and got her on a rejuvenating IV drip.

“But what does a plastic surgeon know about cancer?!” some of you exclaimed. Well, Ted's still a doctor who had to go to med school – at the very least, he needs to know how to handle emergencies related to the liposuctions and facial reconstructions he performs. Vernon acknowledged that the fam had been treating Ted like crap because of his cheating on Nicole, but Ted let it roll and said he'd be there for Anita any time she needed him. Awww!

The next day, Anita came downstairs to find Vernon combing through breast cancer articles on his tablet. Just as he was about to have Rowena fix her a customized, nutrition-packed breakfast...she kicked his ass out of the house! He was hovering, no matter how well meaning his intentions, and not only did she need some time to herself, she wanted Vern to actually focus on his own life. Out out out!

That's pretty realistic, huh! Cancer – or any serious illness – isn't just about the medical side of things; it's about how it affects lives on a personal level. Knowing that neither Vernon nor the rest of the family at large could handle even thinking about the more unfortunate possibilities of her condition, Anita took the historically practical Nicole aside and handed her a binder...instructing her how to take over as matriarch should Anita not be there to continue in the role!

It's easy, especially on a soap, to load up a patient with platitudes – and I'll confess that I do believe the mind affects the body. But I could also see why Anita didn't want her loved ones relying on magical thinking, which also makes the story ring true. Nicole was daunted, yet promised to take up the mantel if she had to. Also lifelike: Nicole being afraid to hug Anita because of the chemo stripping her immune system! The show should be applauded for seeing to these smaller details.

Anita claimed she was still annoyed with Vernon for being a helicopter husband when he took her out for private dining at the country club, but he knew she had already forgiven him. (The feels!) The former senator voted that they could talk about anything but that and proceeded to wine and dine his wife, complete with chocolate truffle cake (I want some!) and shiny jewelry and a boogie down on the dance floor!

What was that '80s-style song they were grooving to? I half expected it to be an Articulettes cut! Anita had a time, relishing in the escape and the return to normalcy. Alas, when she popped out the compact to see if her turn on Dance Fever had dorked out her look, she happened to brush her fingers through her hair...only for a mass of strands to come out in her hand.

Uh oh! The most publicly recognizable side effect from chemo (outside of the hardcore nausea, I would guess) is here for Anita. Some of you are debating that it's happening too soon or not soon enough. I say kudos to the show for going there with Anita at all and taking her through the journey step by step. If this were B&B, she'd be on death's door by now with Finn and Bridget about to administer a miracle cure! GATES is doin' it right.

I think they got more water upstairs than they got sugar on a candy cane

Lance Salinger, the husband of straying wife Lolly (who hires escorts through Vanessa at Heart Attach), quietly revealed a major personality trait this week – he's a total misogynist! Accepting Joey's invite to game in the casino's back room, Lancey Boy was all how dare Vanessa speak to me the way she did! Women doing business anyway! Doug would be turning over in his grave!

He's a peripheral character, but wow, that was a lot of development for just one scene. Yet Lance's comment about Doug was too much for even Joey, the man who had Doug killed. He grabbed Lance by the lapels and promised to whack him if he even thought about Vanessa again, let alone bruised her! Lance ran off like a p***y, and that wasn't even his last demonstration of such an exit.

We finally got to see Lolly (get your adverbs here! #IYKYK), whom Vanessa approached with threats of charging Lance with assault if Lolly couldn't keep him in line. Though Van-Van did ask if Lance had ever been violent with Lolly, which was a natural question given how Lance had tried to crush her wrist. Lolly said that Lance had a temper but had never been abusive, and we soon saw who wears the pants in the Salinger household.

Lolly made a beeline for Lance at the bar, and by the time she was done with him, he ran off again! Vanessa was satisfied and went to Joey to report that the matter had been handled. Joey let the widow McBride take the lead, not letting on that he had really pulled the strings. I hope this Lance thing isn't done yet, though. Vanessa has been playing with fire for months and hasn't gotten as little as a sunburn. Karma don't play nice, honey.

Ooh! Hadn't even planned a fire segue but ain't it somethin' when the muse directs you? I'm talking about Derek, who had a bug up his butt the moment he stepped off the elevator at the hospital, telling Grayson, who was in conversation with Ashley, to take a damn hike. Grayson stayed cool but Derek about set off the sprinklers with his heat, to the point Ashley had to step between the men and remind them that the nurses station wasn't a boxing ring.

Ash could see something was wrong and privately got Derek to admit that he had been s*it canned from the fire station, since the paralysis he had suffered rendered him no longer able to fight fires. We know Derek's whole identity was wrapped up in that – what was he going to do now?, he wailed to Ashley. I liked her suggestion: find what fulfilled him about firefighting and look for work with similar attributes. Someone posted that he should become a 911 dispatcher. That would make sense!

I don't mind Derek being friends with Ashley, and I don't mind them offering each other support. What I don't need to see is Derek longing for a romantic reunion, and I especially don't need to see another triangle with Ashley in the center. Grayson showed up and caught Ashley hugging Derek, and I was like, oh no. How about instead we find out more about Grayson and see him and Ashley develop further? (Some of you are saying the lab tech is involved with the blood plasma ring. Whaddaya think?)

It's time to jam

Oh, Leslie. Honey. Fiending for Ted is so 2025. She's got that hunky detective Marcel's nightstick to play with – how long is she going to debase herself for a man she knows doesn't want her? I know, she ain't right in the head. But still. I actually felt bad for her when she overheard Ted ordering roses and assumed they were for her, only to find out Shanice was the recipient. Ouch. Not that she didn't deserve the comeback.

We also had a little arc where it turned out both Leslie and Nicole separately talked about how Ted sending a ton of roses after first lovemaking was his “signature move,” which Shanice found out about. Bit tacky of Ted, yes, to not change things up. But Shanice wasn't bothered somehow, so I'm not sure what the point was of that. I just wanna say I really like Ted and Shanice together. Best couple on the show right now!

Leslie didn't think so, so she reached into her bag of tricks (at least not wigs and disguises, as Eva eye rolled a while ago) in an attempt to push Shanice away from her Teddy-Boo. And get this...Leslie bribed her way into Ted's hotel room (wasn't he supposed to be getting a house? At least Bill and Nicole both got bedrooms this week) and...hid a pair of nasty panties behind a pillow on the suite's couch.

And...what exactly is that supposed to accomplish? Sure, the obvious goal is that Shanice will find another woman's undergarments in Ted's room, assume he's cheating, and run away crying. But for real...who's to say Ted couldn't run across the skivvies first? Suppose Housekeeping sees them and trashes them? Not one of Leslie's cleverest moves. Usually she'd have blown up Shanice's car by now!

I still wanna know what was on the flash drive that Joey scared Leslie with. Could it be a clearer video of Leslie running Laura off the road? Of Leslie-as-Lulu going in and tainting Laura's IV with extra potassium? Leslie's had all the power since she started and I would really enjoy watching Joey making her dance to his tune with this information. And then going to jail. Hey – what a story it would be to see Leslie and Hayley in the clink together!

I think we're supposed to feel bad that Chelsea and Madison are on the verge of breaking up, but their conflict feels manufactured to me. Chelsea popped one pill (which admittedly was stupid of her) and now suddenly Madison thinks they're not right for each other. Okay, Chelsea flirting with party drugs is big enough of a red flag; I get it. But this shift is happening at lightning speed.

I will say that the writers proved very adept by having Chelsea say that she was just barely hanging on after everything she'd been through: her parents divorcing, her grandmother stricken with cancer, and the fear over possibly inheriting the BRCA gene mutation – not to mention being stalked and kidnapped by Allison. It's Soap 101 for characters to go through excruciating ordeals and then act as if they never happened. So I very much liked Chelsea acknowledging her continuing struggles.

And sure – who could blame her for wanting to feel free and have fun after all that? But her “later, baby” ecstasy taking came out of nowhere, and now Madison wants to bolt. Okay, then. How did Chelsea attempt to solve things? By clumsily proposing to Madison. Even Doc Montgomery knew Chelsea was only suggesting marriage out of fear, and at least Chelsea pretty much realized she'd whiffed it right off.

Madison, however, was the next one to crank the steering wheel into a hard right. She moved up Bill's follow-up appointment...because she was taking off for a fellowship in Copenhagen! (Is she going to Bridget Forrester's old alma mater from B&B?) Not only was that the first Bill had heard of it – and then Chelsea, because Bill ratted Madison out to his daughter – but it was news to us as well. Bit extreme, eh there, Mads?

I think Chelsea called it when she remarked that Madison compartmentalized things and dealt with conflict by walling herself off from it, like when she'd written mama Willow off instead of tackling the woman's anti-medicine views. Chels nearly begged Madison not to make Denmark her new home, but...am I supposed to care about this couple? I'm glad the Ls in LGBTQ+ are getting repped for sure, but I don't feel like there's much spark with these ladies. Is it just me?

Tonight I can no longer hold it

Bill saw Dani giggling with Nicole at the country club (they were taling d*ck size at the time), and new junior partner Tomás had the audacity to suddenly come at Bill with aren't you playing with fire drooling over Dani while you're married to Hayley? I mean, dude! You were just telling Kat that you don't even have a contract; your promotion is via verbal agreement only, which Bill could pull at any time! Smooth move, Ex-Lax!

Though Bill kicked up a fuss at first, he did confide in his protégé that it was only after Dani lost her fire and became a supplicant who accepted his various flings and affairs that he fell out of love with her. Interesting! Then there was some foolishness about Bill thinking Dani went home to change into the lowest of low cut dresses just to get to him, but Pamela put him to bed about that real quick. When do we actually get to see the Dupree-Curtis Agency?

Bill continued his trip down Dani Lane by staring at wedding photos of them (he keeps them on his phone?) and by trying it with Vernon, telling Dani's dad that he'd made a mistake in divorcing her. “Damn straight you did,” Vernon scoffed, having none of it. I don't think I'd root for any Bill/Dani reconciliation. Maybe he could reform, but he still did Dani dirty for decades. That ship has sailed and it's his fate to stand alone at the dock.

Not that Hayley wasn't ready to drop anchor, sliding into bed wearing some new lingerie, only to find her expected lover snoring. Except psyche! Bill wasn't sleeping! Well! That takes the Shamiltons to a new level, doesn't it! The next day, Hayley dumped more poison into Bill's coffee cup, which I guess was filled with more of that nasty tea (why not just dose his food and not be so obvious?), because The Great Man wasn't feelin' so great.

Even Vernon asked about it when he'd just been planning to glide by his one-time son-in-law without acknowledging him. I'm surprised Bill didn't mention feeling off when he had his moved-up appointment with Madison...where a new blood test showed his carbon dioxide levels all up in the stratosphere, plus it was electrolytes out. (See what I did there?)

Madison ordered a new round of tests to be performed by the doctor who would be replacing her (pish-tosh, you know she ain't goin' nowhere) – while, across town, Randy was laying into Hayley for lacing up Bill's tea with extra poison like she laces up her slinky teddies. Didn't Hayley know that doing so could make doctors notice something wasn't right? Gee, Randy never mentioned “his guy” giving him that warning before; no wonder Hayley's been all, “you dumb.”

That chicken came home to roost for Hayley, who found out Bill was out of sorts – and that his blood test results weren't up to snuff. He had to undergo more needles, oh no! Yeah, Hayley, so now what. I did find it intriguing when Dani worked to sabotage Hayley's “new” friendship with Lynette, though. Did you see Lynette trying to butter Dani up with all that you're-the-prettiest-woman-ever fangirling? Dani bought it, too. Because of course she would!

That's right I can't control it

Kat was hanging out at Uptown waiting on Tomás, who said on their call that she ought to apologize to the arriving Ted for equating Eva to cancer. And Kat was willing to...but she never did. Not then, nor later in the week when she ran into her pop at Orphey Gene's. And Ted just kept acting like everything was cool. Way to enable your kid, Teddy-Boo. Anyway, Kat and Shanice inevitably found themselves sharing potato skins when Ted had to peace out because of work.

And wouldn't you know...the daughter and new GF got along! Kat liked Shanice's spirit, her willingness to ditch Ted if Nicole had a problem with her dating him...and Shanice's vow to kick Leslie's ass if she stepped up on her again. We got some bestie action goin' on now! Hey, Kat's been so disapproving of almost everything that it was nice to see her endorsing Shanice – and Shanice's romance with Ted.

Didn't last long, though, because Kat spied some thot sashaying into Uptown and wait it was her MOM! Yep, Nicole had ditched the sensible shoes and opted for some f**k me pumps...along with a barely-there dress. And Kat wigged the hell out! Not Tomás, though, who declared mamacita hot. Kat had barely gotten her head around Nicole dating Carlton, but watching her drool over Kial at the same time made her head pop clean off.

So sad for Kat that, once again, no one in her fam was co-signing her pearl-clutching. Anita championed her daughter's embrace of her single life, “How can you not want her to flex?” came Chelsea's question, and Nicole herself fired back with, “How far back do your shameful feelings about sex go?” Right? It does make you wonder...in all seriousness...if something happened to Kat to cause this in her.

She did wait longer than her peers to lose her virginity, and then at first sex left her cold. Could something have happened to Kat at some point in her youth? Because that's the implication I'm getting. Anyway, after Kat flamed moms for wearing her “ho chic” and falling all over “Sexy Doctor of the Travelling Pants” (Kat does get the best lines), Nicole refused to be slut shamed and (nicely) told her daughter to step off.

Even June, who really had no business getting up in Kat's business but still, heard Kat's litany of others' wrongdoing and flat out suggested that Kat was the problem. Not the first time Kat's heard that, either. But check it: June then said that one day, Kat would need Eva. That is the third hint at that! So what's coming, Kat and Eva are in a car wreck together? Eva saves Kat from getting shot during a robbery? I know we're being set up for something, because there's major telegraphing going on. (Ironically, the first telegraph message was sent from D.C.!)

Meanwhile, I would say Nicole is feeling her huevos, but bio girls don't really have huevos proper. Let's just say she's firmly entered her making up for lost time era. She got all dolled up for Carlton though they quickly landed in bed (I kept thinking of Beyoncé's “Partition”: “Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up, and we ain't even gonna make it to this club”)...all while smiling because Kial was texting her.

Poor Carlton keeps tryna get solid plans out of Nicole, but she keeps being all, “let's play it by ear.” Doc Fitzgerald is starting to look kinda foolish, don't ya think? I know I'm in the minority but I like Carlton, and him being with Nicole – I just feel like he's starting to get cuckolded between Kial sniffing around and Nicole entertaining Kial's advances. You do you, Darling Nikki (Prince reference!), but don't do over mah boy.

That might have been the end of Kat's know-it-all-isms, but she had to insert herself in a completely unrelated situation. See, Dani finally made good on trying to hire Izaiah onto her roster of models at her agency. In Izzy's own words, he delivered Dani “a hard no,” but then Kat jumped in, encouraging him to the point he started reconsidering. She even thought he could be “Mr. Man Purse,” repping ChelseaKat.

Eva saw Kat laughing it up with her man and the gloves were off. She started kissin' on her man, and Kat wrote it off as her being painfully insecure. Hope Izaiah likes Wimbledon, because it was quite the tennis match as he looked back and forth between the arguing Eva and Kat. It was only when Eva pointed out that Chelsea was at the bar all sad and what-not that Kat left – but Izaiah was next to get an earful.

Denying she was jealous (though you know there had to be some of that in there), Eva lamented that she had confided in Izaiah about how Kat had hurt her with her insults and attempts to undermine her – yet, here Izaiah was, acting like Kat was just anybody. Iz tried to explain that he and Kat had only been talking about Dani's modeling offer – and Eva could see him working a runway – but his cordiality with Kat was like he hadn't been paying attention to Eva at all.

That may have seemed out of left field to some, but I think I understand it. Eva liked Tomás, yet never had a chance with him because he was all into Kat. Then she finally gets her own man in Izaiah, and Kat coming around made her feel like she might lose another guy to her. So she reacted. After Eva stormed out, Kat had to twist the knife by going, “Now you see what I'm talking about!” Kat, the Official Busybody of Fairmont Crest™!

This brings us to the end of another Two Scoops, D.C. Edition. Do you think Kat is too much in everyone's business? Is Nicole just finding herself again after 30 years of marriage, or is she going from lady to tramp? Spill it all in the comments below. And until next we meet, Scoopers, live your life beyond!

(Purchase Adam-Michael James' ”Bewitched” books on Amazon.)

(Listen to isletunes, AMJ's podcast featuring nothing but music from the artists of Prince Edward Island, Canada.)